


Amnesia

by inzomnia



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Anger, Break Up, Cuddles, F/F, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken, Panic Attacks, Sad, Theo and Liam are amazing friends, in italics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 19:52:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13982148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inzomnia/pseuds/inzomnia
Summary: Hayden wakes up feeling cold and alone for the first time in a long time, her body aches not just with the discomfort of the way she fell asleep on the single armchair in the corner of her room, but also the leftover of the agony of the day before.She wished this was all just a nightmare, that she’d wake up next to her soulmate and pretend this never happened.





	Amnesia

**Author's Note:**

> You can probably tell what song this is based off of(it’s literally the title lol), I’m sorry but I’m not sorry for writing this. I cried many times, but I’m happy with the end result so lemme know what you think.

Hayden wakes up feeling cold and alone for the first time in a long time, her body aches not just with the discomfort of the way she fell asleep on the single armchair in the corner of her room, but also the leftover of the agony of the day before.

She wants nothing more than to curl back into a ball and disappear. To forget. But the sun streams through the window and she knows there’s no way she can fall back asleep during the day anyway, so she drags herself up. Hayden has never been the type to sit and do nothing, no matter the situation, it’s just not in her nature.

She thinks it’s stupid that Beacon Hills decides to have a good weather day today, it’s not fair. She wants thunder and lightning, something she can connect with, like what she's feeling inside. Her wolf wines pitifully inside her chest as if to agree with her, but then the smell of blood hits her nose and she looks down to see her own nails digging into her palms. With a grimace, she plucks each nail from her skin one by one, to numb to feel most of the pain it should bring.

Something then catches her eye, a silver glint in the invading and unwanted sunlight. A few bones click as she stretches, her dark eyes flicking around the room as if to make sure no one was watching her before making her way over to the object. She sucks in a harsh breath and something heavy immediately settles in her stomach as she gazes down at the only thing _she_ had left behind.

A glittering moss green jewel connects the silver rings of the bracelet, and Hayden finds hands shaking as she cautiously picks it up between here claws that didn’t seem to want to retract and slips it onto her own wrist.

It was a little small for her, but then again, it had been bought to be worn by someone else hadn’t it.

It was just another stab to the gut that she had left this, and only this behind, no other trace of her existence. She probably didn’t mean for it to be painful, in fact, Hayden knows she didn’t mean for it to be because she wasn’t like that. But she must have wanted Hayden to wear it to remember her, so wear it she would. Her wolf wasn’t happy, it clawed at her from the inside, it wanted out, wanted to lose control, hurt and break.

Hayden cursed herself as she realised she’d smeared blood on the delicate bracelet. Taking it back off with a growl of frustration, more wolf than human, she dragged herself over to the bathroom. Maybe a shower would make her feel better and calm down her animal. She wouldn’t break down again, she told herself, pacing and pulling at her hair as she waited for the water to run hot.

Glancing at the mirror, she saw her eyes glowing gold but brimmed with tears and turned away quickly. Even she didn’t want to see herself like that, she’d worked so hard for control and wouldn’t let it slip now.

You know what they say, you don’t know what you have until you’ve lost it, and Hayden thinks she knows what that means now.

——

Even after two weeks of being locked up alone in her bedroom, control doesn’t seem to be a thing her wolf wants to grant her. She knows where she needs to go, who she needs to go to, but there’s a guilt she feels when thinking about bothering people with her problems that have been winning over and preventing her from going to seek comfort from her friends.

Realistically she knows she’s just worrying Theo and Liam more by not telling them what’s going on. She had to text Liam back saying she was fine and just needed a few days to herself when he sent her a series of panicked messages about how Theo was threatening to come climb her house to her window because she had been to quite for his liking recently, but other than that she hadn’t spoken to the couple.

The sweetness of it touched her, but at that point, she had still been determined not to get them involved. But now? Now she had to do something. The long runs through the preserve no longer settled herself or her wolf, no amount of exercise would stop the adrenaline-fueled anger pumping through her veins causing her hands to shake. She was always sweating and the extra energy made it hard to breathe sometimes, like a constant panic attack.

Enough was enough. Her hands still trembled as she turned the key to her car, she had to slap them over her ears as it roared to life, the sound deafeningly loud. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to be driving, but she really didn't feel like walking the whole way there. The guilt still ate away at her as she drove. What was she even looking for in her friends? An anchor maybe? She’d just lost hers after all.

Her heart suddenly gave a painful lurch as she glanced out the side window and saw the sunrise diner, the place where she met her own literal ray or sunrise, and she couldn’t stop the memories from playing over again in her head like a film...

_This was stupid, totally stupid and ridiculous. Why had she even agreed to this again?_

_A blind date, that’s what Theo thought she needed. even though she’d told him time and time again that she was perfectly happy by herself at the moment but the boy hadn’t listened, somehow convincing her to try this whole thing just this once. He’d looked close to tears when Hayden opened her mouth to say she wasn’t doing it, and it was those bright green puppy eyes that broke her in the end, she knows he just wants her to be happy._

_So reluctantly she’d made herself look somewhat presentable and made her way to the diner, where her date was now 10 minutes late. She did not need to be stood up right now._

_Just as she was about to get up and leave someone burst through the doors, panting and slightly flustered. This girl was gorgeous, Hayden thought immediately. She had long, dark brown, wavy hair that framed her face and cascaded down over her tanned shoulders. She was slim and wearing the most vibrant yellow summer dress that looked effortlessly pretty on her._

_Hayden could instantly tell she was like her, supernatural, not because of the way she smelled, like blueberries and an earthy forest, but because of the short second in which her eyes flashed yellow before fading back into a dark chocolate Brown. They were lucky really that their abilities didn’t need to be a secret in Beacon Hills. There weren’t that many of them, but after an incident that happened over ten years ago, something about a great alpha called Scott McCall saving the town, they were accepted in the community just as much as anyone else. At least that was one less thing for Hayden to worry about._

_The girl took a deep breath, like she was trying to compose herself before looking around the diner. There’s no way this could be the girl Theo is trying to set her up with right? Hayden isn’t that lucky._

_Or maybe she is, because the second their eyes locked the girl broke into a grin, showing of blinding white teeth, and started walking towards Hayden, who tried desperately to control her breathing as the girl made her way over to the booth she was sitting in. But the closer she got, the more Hayden felt her control slipping. She couldn’t decide if this girl was going to be good, or trouble for her._

_“Hey you must be Hayden,” she started, voice silky smooth, “I’m Tracy.” She said, holding out her hand, which Hayden took._

_“Hey.. um, it's nice to meet you.” Hayden said, cringing when her voice wavered. Tracy smirked, sitting down across from her in the booth. Definitely trouble._

Hayden was brought back to the present by car horns blaring behind her, and she realised the light had turned green.

“Shit.” She cursed, slamming her foot down on the gas and trying to block out all the angry whispers she could hear from the other cars. Sometimes having enhanced hearing sucked ass. A few minutes later she drove past the park, more memories threatened to assault her so she pulled into the small park lot with a sigh, closing her eyes as she remembered.

_Wolfsbane spiked wine had been a terrible idea, really, why had she let Tracy talk her into this? Stumbling into a kids park at three in the morning hadn’t been what she had planned for her Saturday night before Tracy burst into her apartment demanding she came out with her. But really, Hayden could never say no to her._

_Two months after their first blind date they were extremely close for only knowing each other a short amount of time, they just clicked, they weren’t together exactly, but friends wasn’t the right word either. They were more than that._

_Hayden had wanted to kiss her from the moment they had locked eyes in the diner, but she hadn’t had the right moment yet. Well, that’s what he kept telling herself anyway, maybe she was just scared to mess up what they had. Making the first move had never been her strong suit, but she couldn’t help but wonder why Tracy hadn’t done anything either, maybe she didn't want what Hayden wanted._

_Nights like these were fun though, and no matter how much Hayden pretended to complain when Tracy dragged her out, she adored spending time with the other girl. And if being drunk meant she could lean into her side, be closer to her, without any consequences, then Hayden would take it._

_Joking and giggling, they collapsed at the bottom of the slide, and Hayden basked in the warmth radiating from the chimera beside her. Both she and her wolf could agree on the fact that Tracy made them happy, she was their anchor._

_Their ridiculous laughter died down eventually, and they were left with a comfortable silence, passing the bottle back and forth between them. There was a full moon, and even though they both felt the pull of it, they had better control when they were with each other._

_“Imma go down the slide.” Hayden decided, pushing herself up from the ground and swaying slightly before Tracy was there standing with her, placing a hand on her arm to steady her. The touch burned through to Hayden’s skin even through her clothes and she gulped, looking at the ground. “I’m good, I’m good.” She said, cracking a smile and making her way to the ladder that led up to the top of the slide._

_“Be careful!” She heard Tracy shout from the other side. She let her wolf take control for a second, eyes glowing as she leads Hayden up the ladder. She grinned and waved down at Tracy from the top, the other girl waved back._

_“See took T, I’m fine!” She shouts triumphantly, “catch me at the bottom yeah?”_

_Tracy nodded, placing the wine bottle on the ground a little ways away from the slide and standing at the bottom._

_“Three, two, one, go!” She said and Hayden launched herself down the slide, giggling uncontrollably. She fell right into Tracy at the bottom, knocking her down and landing on top of her._

_“Sorry, sorry!” She said, but they were both still laughing as Hayden pushed herself up. Her breath caught in her throat as she realised the position they were in, suddenly it wasn’t so funny anymore. Her wolf had gone silent, giving Hayden complete control, but it was like a silent dare to do what she knew they both wanted._

_She stared down at Tracy, whose eyes were sparkling, lit by the moonlight, and froze. All the uncertainty on if this was just a one-sided attraction coming back._

_“Oh for christ sake.” Tracy sighed, and Hayden only had a second to wonder what she was talking about before the chimera was snaking a hand behind the back of her neck and pulling her down, their lips locking. It was messy and desperate at first, all the tension they felt being let out through their kiss._

_When they pulled back both their eyes were glowing, and Hayden lent down to capture the chimeras lips again, this time slower. Her wolf sighed in contentment, happy with the warmth radiating from Tracy’s body to theirs. Going slower felt nice, they had time, all the time in the world, now that they finally had each other._

Hayden had tears in her eyes by the time her brain floated back to reality, the memories were so perfect, had been so untainted at the time. She never expected to feel hollow when thinking about Tracy, but here she was.

She reached over to her bag and pulled out the little polaroid photo she had been carrying with her for over two years now. The quality was horrible, but that wasn’t the point, both she and Tracy were smiling so brightly it didn’t need to be in HD to see it. There they were, a moment captured when they didn’t have a care in the world, when they thought they would be together forever.

She could almost hear the sounds of the waves crashing behind them, feel the phantom heat of the sun beating down on her pale skin and the leftover taste of salt in her mouth from when she’d swallowed a mouthful of seawater after a wave caught her by surprise, pulling her under. Of course Tracy had oh so heroically saved her.

How Hayden longed to feel like that again, but she had no idea if that would be possible with how lonely she was feeling now just looking at the small photo.

She wondered if Tracy felt lonely without her too. The image of her girl walking out the door had left a permanent scar on her soul, all she saw when she closed her eyes was a figure leaving her behind as she broke into a million pieces.

The edges of the photo were fraying and more damaged than ever, how ironic, even though Hayden had been as careful as possible, she’d held it and stared numbly at it more times that she’d care to admit.

She stuffed the memory into her back pocket and started the car again, it was only five more minutes to Liam and Theo’s house. The thought of being surrounded by friends, her pack, was like a little ray of light that somehow made it to the seabed, just giving her enough hope so that she wouldn’t drown.

The feeling spread further through her chest as she pulled up onto their driveway. She got out of her car, walking towards the door on shaky legs and rapped her knuckles against the door a few times. Some hushed whispers could be heard from inside the house, but she couldn’t focus her wolf enough to be able to make out what they were saying. The uncomfortable clawing feeling wasn’t as bad as before now that she could smell Theo and Liam, but she still twitched, not liking standing still waiting in anticipation for the door to open for so long.

Said door suddenly flung open, and Hayden found herself immediately engulfed in a strong, warm embrace and sandy brown hair tickled her nose. Liam. Unwillingly, her eyes teared up again, she didn’t want to break down again, especially in front of her friends. But all the pent-up emotions from the past few weeks were finally catching up on her, and she felt so horribly out of control.

It was when Liam looked up at her and whispered, “We know, I’m so sorry Hayden.” That made her finally break, the floodgates opening again as bad as they did that first night. Liam hugs her tight again before letting go and leading her inside by the hand.

“Hey doll,” Theo says softly from his place behind the kitchen counter, he finishes poring what she can only assume is coffee before rounding the table and wrapping her in another hug. “Come sit down, and let us know what we can do.”

She nods slightly and makes her way to the living room where Theo and Liam have set up a bunch of pillows and blankets, like a nest, but she supposes calling it a den would be the more accurate description. Hayden drops herself down in the middle of it, and Theo soon follows, sitting next to her and pulling her into his side. He rubs a hand up and down her back as she tries to calm her breathing.

Liam comes in a few minutes later, three steaming cups in his hands which he places on the coffee table in front of them. He sits on the other side of her, the two of them acting like a cocoon of protection, making her feel safe.

Liam’s fingers comb soothingly through her hair as he speaks, “you want to talk about it or watch a movie first?Either is okay.”

“Movie please.” She whispers.

“Okay then, Star Wars okay with you?” He asks and she nods. “We can talk whenever you're ready.”

  
She must have fallen asleep at some point during the movie, her limbs soon began to feel boneless and her eyes heavy as she soaked in the comfortable feeling Theo and Liam provided. Being so physically and emotionally drained must have finally caught up on her body, allowing her to slip into a dreamless sleep.

The last thing she remembers before drifting off was warm cuddles, and it’s also the first thing she wakes up to as well as a soft voice coaxing her to consciousness.

“Hayden? Hayden the movie is finished, wake up.” Her eyes slowly open and she’s met with Theo’s smiling face, there are arms around her still, probably Liam’s. “Hey there, we should probably move you to a bed if your this tired. We have plenty of time to talk, so don't worry about that.”

She’s only partially aware of the fact that she’s being lifted and carried into the guest bedroom, if she wasn’t still half asleep she’d probably cry again and how caring and amazing her friends are. She feels herself being placed down on a mattress that feels as soft as a cloud in her dreamlike state, and is asleep again as soon as her head hits the pillow, although she’s still aware of the presence in the room and the vague smell of worry coming from one or both of the boys.

——

She wakes again feeling surprisingly refreshed, it’s probably the best she’s slept all week and she even forgets for a moment why she’s here. The door creaks open and Liam timidly peaks his head inside.

“Morning,” he says as he crosses the room, coming to sit on the side of her bed. “You must have really needed that rest Hayden, it’s been twelve hours. Have… have you not been sleeping?”

The question is asked timidly, like Liam's afraid she'll just up and run. But she knew this conversation had to come eventually, and she’d come to her friends for help, she couldn’t have them in the dark anymore.

“Not very well, to be honest, my wolf is pretty out of control, all she wants to do is run and break and she never seems to get tired.”

“You on the other hand...”

“Yeah, it’s been a bad few weeks Li. I- I just wish things could have been different.” She chokes on a sob, and Liam is immediately right by her side hugging her close.

“Shh it’s okay, tell me.” He says, playing with her hair again.

“I just want her back, I miss her so much already Li, I miss everything about her. I’m still hoping I’ll wake up and find out that all of this was just some sick, twisted dream. I'd do better this time, I’d pay more attention, I wouldn’t let her slip away from me.” Hayden was sobbing uncontrollably now, breath catching in her throat as her movie of memories begins to plays again.

_Hayden perfectly remembers the roses on Tracy’s shirt as she stood across from her, eyes watering and hands shaking, the picture of broken. She imagines she doesn’t look much better._

_“So your just leaving. Just like that?”_

_“Hayden please, try to understand, this is just as hard for me. You think I want to leave the love of my life?” She shakes her head in disbelief, the tears spilling out her eyes, makeup running down her face. Hayden wants nothing more than to wipe them away and pretend none of this happened._

_“Australia though, really?” It’s so far away, Hayden thinks to herself, why did it have to be there._

_“I know, and I can’t say I’m sorry enough. But I need to be there for my family, for my dad. He might not have that much time left. And after, I need to be there to pick up the pieces, my mum won’t deal with this well so I need to stay there.”_

_Hayden hates that it makes perfect sense, that asking Tracy to stay with her, for her, would be stupidly selfish. She would go with her, but she has her own ties to Beacon Hills that she cant just leave behind._

_“I’m not going to ask you to wait for me, I’d never do that because I might never come back,” Tracy begins to cry more at that, her whole body shaking, voice dropping so quiet Hayden wouldn’t have been able to hear her without being a werewolf, “maybe one day…”_

_Tracy walks up to her, and she thinks for half a second that she's changed her mind about the whole thing. But she simply pulls Hayden in for one last passionate kiss before breaking it and turning away, picking her bags up and walking out the door, not looking back, leaving Hayden to crumble onto the chair behind her in a heap. All the dreams they had, promises they’d made, were suddenly broken and Hayden was left with nothing._

_“One day? But I need you now.” She whispers to herself._

Theo came into the room at some point, offering his silent support as Hayden tells them what happened that night when Tracy left.

“I’ve seen pictures, there’s a girl, I don’t know if their just friends or…” she hates the thought of them being more, because why did she get to just walk out and be fine? It brought up all kinds of insecurities for Hayden. Tracy had called her the love of her life right before she left, was that just a lie? If what they had was as real as Hayden thought it had been, how could Tracy be fine?

“Hey, common doll, don’t beat yourself up like that. You can’t judge anything off of a picture on the internet.”

“I’m just- I’m not okay, I just want to forget.” Hayden sobs, how was she ever meant to forget, to move on? All the memories that kept being dragged back up by her own damn mind, the stupid little things that made her fall in love with Tracy in the first place. she knows Theo's right, what she had with Tracy was real, but that fact didn't make her leaving hurt any less.

She closes her eyes and shes back with Tracy again.

_Moonlight filters through the blinds at her window illuminating their skin where they lay in a tangle of naked limbs, Hayden looks up, and is drawn into the deep brown of Tracy’s eyes. Up close she can see flecks of different colors, greens and golds swim in her iris’, and Hayden thinks for a moment the chimera’s eyes could be a galaxy in themselves._

_“What are you staring at.” Tracy teases, bopping Hayden’s nose with her fingertip, grinning._

_“You,” Hayden answers simply, and there’s a beat of silence before she continues, “and how that was..”_

_“Intense?”_

_“Oh god, you sound like Mason!” Hayden giggles, and apparently it’s contagious because Tracy starts laughing too._

_“Please tell me your not thinking about Mason after we just had sex.” Tracy manages to get out between snorts of laughter._

_“Well, I wasn’t before you stole his word.” Hayden says, slapping the other girl playfully on the arm. They laugh for a good five minutes after that before finally calming down._

_“What are you staring at?” Hayden asks, dragging out the ‘u’._

_“Your beautiful.” Tracy states, kissing her lightly before falling back onto the pillow, Hayden cuddling into her side. A comfortable silence settles around them as they fall asleep listening to each other’s heartbeats. Their beating in time._

A single tear slips from her eye.

“Tell me this is just a dream.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> let me know if you caught the reference to another song by the same band somewhere in there ;)
> 
> Kudos and comments make my day<3


End file.
